Portal tending
& birth-waiting
My work often feels like portal tending — the flowers bursting through the soil; I don’t do much after I get them tucked into bed, but I do wait, and watch. Holding space, they call it. The families birthing their babies; I am only as hands-on as I need to be. I wait, I watch, I give them space as is appropriate and wanted. I tend to a lot of portals, and lately I’ve been tending to my own.
I saw someone (for the life of me, I cannot remember who) share that they feel there are waves of memories that wash over them before they cross a threshold and are changed in some way. I’ve certainly been feeling that lately, especially with the warming breeze of Spring into Summer blowing steadily through our kitchen windows. Wafting in the sea, a portal itself, stretching across most of our planets. A welcome talisman on the horizon, one which I can most always witness from my home perch. I wonder, amidst the waves of memory, transmutation, Spring-time nostalgia, what’s to come?
I didn’t write here last week as it felt forced, and I learned a while ago (primarily, on the Island), that resistance has its reasons. So, I leaned into rest. It was a relatively quiet week, and I’m a bit worried about how pending births are stacking up. Still, as the midwives & doulas always say, the babies tend to line up just so. Praying that this is the case!
In tending to my own portals, I’ve been pushing perfectionism & patriarchal rhythms away, pushing waiting on the edge of my seat away, and allowing myself to just be — by candlelight aside the cosmos, aglow amongst the mugwort, the California sagebrush. Laundry folding, dishes drying, ants accounted for (for now). Los Osos living. There are threats of new developments on the news, and I wonder how we (my partner & I) always end up in this suddenly coveted places just as they are shape-shifted into something capitalism deems more profitable, no matter what community dreams.
I wonder, too, where we oughta be for the next chapter, whenever that is to begin. In my experience, it (life, I suppose) tells us just before we turn the page. Cutting it awfully close sometimes, so doubt may creep in. I might attempt to flip to the end of the chapter, or the story, but linear time doesn’t allow for such surprises ruined.
As a child, and sometimes as a young adult, I would skip to the end of the books I was reading. I wanted to figure out how they got from Point A to Point B as I read the middle portion, with knowledge of the end in mind. This was an odd habit, but I think I inherited it from a great-grandmother in my maternal line, so I feel less shame in that. Call it a creative writing exercise?
Nonetheless, life won’t share such hedonistic pleasures with me, as linear time does bind, but intuition speaks louder than any words on a page. I’ll know, we’ll know, in good time. My partner has been similarly guided, so I suspect the road map will be extra vivid this time around. Here’s to faith, timing, and the moon — always there to greet me, amidst all she’s up to.
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Perhaps I’ll have some birth-adjacent stories to share in my next writing to you! As the Summer season approaches, I’m being gentle with myself, and letting the rhythm of the day guide me. In-person meetings & gatherings are at the center. All else, well, like the babies, it will arrive & be in good time.
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Coming up!
• Saturday, May 9th — Postpartum Nesting Prep Session at my home in Los Osos. For partners preparing to enter the early postpartum chapter. Herbal tea & treats provided. Co-hosted by Sadie, a local Central Coast herbalist.
• Saturday, June 6th — Tending to the Earth Body: A Day Retreat at City Farm SLO in collaboration with Hannah of Wild Trek Wellness. Use discount code DOULAFAMILY for 10% off!
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That’s all for now! I’ll have a Central Coast Birth Story uploaded within the next 1-2 days — a belly birth & all the wonder, grief, & awe within the journey. You can listen to that here on Spotify or wherever you listen to Podcasts.
Sending care,
Caroline
